Burgers
Jim saw the ghost on a Saturday in his new house in Sleepy Sorrows, South Dakota. There was
nothing special about this particular Saturday. It was June, and Jim had family coming for
dinner. He was grilling burgers, as Saturday is Burger Day, every week. His grandfather had
started the tradition, and it wasn’t dead yet. His grandfather was dead though, and so was the
ghost, as are all ghosts. At the very least, they no longer needed to breathe.
nothing special about this particular Saturday. It was June, and Jim had family coming for
dinner. He was grilling burgers, as Saturday is Burger Day, every week. His grandfather had
started the tradition, and it wasn’t dead yet. His grandfather was dead though, and so was the
ghost, as are all ghosts. At the very least, they no longer needed to breathe.
The ghost wasn’t doing all that much. It walked around the yard with no particular rhyme or
reason. It peed on a tree and drank a ghost beer and sat on the swingset in the yard. Jim didn’t
have kids or even a spouse, that swingset was just there when he bought the house. It would be
a waste of time to take it down, so Jim just left it there. Jim always says it’s best to leave the
past alone. You don’t want it coming back to bite you.
reason. It peed on a tree and drank a ghost beer and sat on the swingset in the yard. Jim didn’t
have kids or even a spouse, that swingset was just there when he bought the house. It would be
a waste of time to take it down, so Jim just left it there. Jim always says it’s best to leave the
past alone. You don’t want it coming back to bite you.
Jim was particularly curious as to what the ghost was doing, so he thought he’d ask.
“Excuse me, but what are you doing in my yard?” He asked.
“Excuse me, but what are you doing in my yard?” He asked.
“Waiting,” responded the ghost in that particular way that ghosts always do. “I’m just waiting.”
“What would you be waiting for?”
“I’m waiting for burgers.”
“For burgers?”
“For burgers.”
Jim was rather confused, especially why this particular ghost had chosen this particular
Saturday to wait for burgers. In fact, he was confused as to why this particular ghost had
thought that it would get any burgers. It hadn’t asked for a burger, and just assuming it could
have one was quite rude! Could it even eat a burger?
Saturday to wait for burgers. In fact, he was confused as to why this particular ghost had
thought that it would get any burgers. It hadn’t asked for a burger, and just assuming it could
have one was quite rude! Could it even eat a burger?
Jim decided he would tell the ghost as such. “Excuse me, ghost, but you never asked for a
burger.”
burger.”
“I don’t have to,” responded the ghost in that particular way that ghosts do. “They’re coming
anyway, so why ask?”
anyway, so why ask?”
“Because, ghost, it is rude not to ask!” Jim responded.
“Is it?”
“It is!”
“I always find that forcing the matter is rude, so I figured I wouldn’t ask. I apologize.”
Jim found this refreshing. “Apology accepted, ghost. Of course you may have a-”
“I wasn’t apologizing to you.”
This particular statement said by this particular ghost had particularly confused Jim. If the
ghost wasn’t apologizing to him, then to whom was he apologizing? Certainly there wasn’t
another ghost in Jim’s yard. Jim continued flipping his burgers while he pondered the issue,
and the ghost drank a ghost beer while peeing on a tree from the swingset.
ghost wasn’t apologizing to him, then to whom was he apologizing? Certainly there wasn’t
another ghost in Jim’s yard. Jim continued flipping his burgers while he pondered the issue,
and the ghost drank a ghost beer while peeing on a tree from the swingset.
“Who did you apologize to, then?” asked Jim.
“The burgers,” responded the ghost in that particular way that ghosts do. “I didn’t realize I was
rude to them.”
rude to them.”
“The burgers aren’t alive.”
“Such a shame. I spoke to them a couple of hours ago.”
Jim was getting frustrated. It had spoken to them a couple of hours ago? Jim had bought these
patties the night before, and frankly speaking, the burgers were definitely dead. At the very
least, they no longer needed to breathe. A thought entered his mind, and terrified him.
patties the night before, and frankly speaking, the burgers were definitely dead. At the very
least, they no longer needed to breathe. A thought entered his mind, and terrified him.
“Am I dead?” He thought out loud.
“Probably.” responded the ghost in that particular way that ghosts do.
“Am I dying?”
“Definitely.
“Am I in Hell?”
“That’s absurd.”
“Is this heaven?”
This particular ghost simply laughed in response. It was peeing on a different tree now, without
a care in the world. It no longer needed to breathe, after all. Its life was simplistic compared to
Jim’s. Nothing really mattered. Anyone could see.
a care in the world. It no longer needed to breathe, after all. Its life was simplistic compared to
Jim’s. Nothing really mattered. Anyone could see.
The doorbell rang. It was definitely not his family, as they lived over in Pierre, but it might be
the Kennedys from across the street. Jim had been taking care of their cats while they were off
to D.C. Maybe it was Mr. Matheson from the mansion on the hill. Jim had been trying to treat
him of his schizophrenia for a couple weeks now, and they held sessions at Jim’s house.
the Kennedys from across the street. Jim had been taking care of their cats while they were off
to D.C. Maybe it was Mr. Matheson from the mansion on the hill. Jim had been trying to treat
him of his schizophrenia for a couple weeks now, and they held sessions at Jim’s house.
Jim trod towards the door. He walked incredibly fluidly, almost as though he was the second
ghost on the property.
ghost on the property.
That particular ghost simply sighed, and then lit up. “Oh wait, the word isn’t burgers, it’s
burglars!”
burglars!”
BANG!
Jim’s family did eventually arrive. They were in awe over the well-kept nature of the outside of
the house, and couldn’t wait to see the inside. They exited the car as the Kennedys pulled into
their driveway in their old black Lincoln.
the house, and couldn’t wait to see the inside. They exited the car as the Kennedys pulled into
their driveway in their old black Lincoln.
They rang the doorbell once, and a few minutes passed, then they rang it again. Then they rang
it again and again and again and again, but to no avail. Soon, the little ADHD cousin of Jim’s
began ringing the doorbell to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb," except only he could
understand it. One day, he’ll be killed by Christians because he writes a viral song hailing
Satan. At the very least, he would no longer need to breathe.
it again and again and again and again, but to no avail. Soon, the little ADHD cousin of Jim’s
began ringing the doorbell to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb," except only he could
understand it. One day, he’ll be killed by Christians because he writes a viral song hailing
Satan. At the very least, he would no longer need to breathe.
They called the SSPD. They found the house ransacked, and they couldn’t find any sign of Jim
or his burgers. His mother would cry until she died of dehydration. At the very least, she would
no longer need to breathe.
or his burgers. His mother would cry until she died of dehydration. At the very least, she would
no longer need to breathe.
Knowing Jim, he was probably dead.
At the very least, he no longer needed to breathe.
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